Why Setting Boundaries Can Set You Free
What do psychologists mean by boundaries? Why do we need them?
And how do you go about setting them and even more, sticking to them?
As mental health has come flying up the therapy charts (albeit a little late) in the last few years, finding tangible methods for self-care has increasing importance. One of those key stepping stones to a greater sense of mental wellbeing is setting boundaries.
What Are Personal Boundaries?
It is easy to accept that our children need rules, that pets need a fenced garden and our bank accounts may do well with a spending limit. But when it comes to emotional and mental capacity, it can be challenging to set ourselves some ground rules.
Allowing yourself time to set out the tangible guidelines for our work or social life can have huge benefits. How far are you willing to go? What will you do and not do? At what point will the effect of your actions have a negative impact on your wellbeing?
Why Do We Need Boundaries?
Healthy boundaries are the foundation of self-care. As counsellors and psychologists we believe in empowering people to make these decisions, as having boundaries is a powerful step towards positive relationships and self-confidence.
Conversely, a lack of clear boundaries can leave us feeling used, put upon, drained and unhappy. This can ultimately lead to anger, resentment and burnout. But setting them and indeed maintaining them, is a skill.
There are certain times in our lives when setting boundaries is especially important, such as:
Starting a new job - having the conflicting desire of wanting to prove yourself, with sometimes saying no
Family Holidays, such as Christmas - being thrown into a high-pressure family environment can be a tense experience for many
Being self-employed - when nobody else is responsible for your boundaries but yourself, you can easily get swept along 24/7
An emotionally draining relationship - when it feels like the effort is all one-sided the emotional consequences can be exhausting
Photo credit Yosef Futsum
6 Tips For Setting Healthy Boundaries
Have patience to explore your own expectations. For boundaries to work they need to be realistic.
Get in early, before a situation arises. Try and get into the habit of thinking about possible outcomes ahead of time, set your boundaries early so you are fully prepared.
Communicate with clarity. This is absolutely key. If others are not aware of your boundaries, they cannot be expected to act within them.
Stick to the framework, but realise you can flex a little along the way. Self-care takes self-awareness so although the boundaries may be fairly fluid, it’s essential that they are workable.
Be confident with them. There is no shame in knowing what works and doesn’t work for you. This may come with time.
Check yourself regularly. Are they working for you? Does anything need to change? Is this approach making you happy?
Some Final Points
Everyone will have different boundaries and it’s important to respect these in others. Do not feel guilty about having your own and communicating them with those around you. It may take some effort and a little guts, but your mental health and happiness will benefit and eventually these guidelines will be your accepted norm.
Talk to your counsellor or coach, and start exploring a new positive approach to achieving your goals.
I wish you all the best,
Beata