Is ‘Should’ A Bad Word?
‘Should’ and ‘I have to’ are phrases that shouldn’t really exist and I want to tell you why.
In whose opinion should you? What does the word even mean? It’s a word that is designed to make you feel guilty that you have or haven’t done something. I don’t look fondly upon guilt. So as a mental health professional, these two phrases give me shudders.
“You should do that thing” - And yet, you haven’t.
“You shouldn’t have said that” - And yet, you did.
“You have to…” - And yet, maybe you can’t or don’t want to.
Every time you say ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ it is like a slap in the face. And after many slaps in the face you can start to feel quite sore and defeated. So let’s think about how damaging it can be and what we can say instead.
Why Is It Bad To Say ‘Should’?
‘Should’ and ‘I have to’ imply duty and obligation. They reflect us judging somebody else’s or our own actions, and finding the outcome unsatisfactory. In fact they are both softly wrapped self criticism, a mental health disaster wrapped in a gold bow.
When we are critical repeatedly, this judgement builds up to anxiety that we are never good enough and thus it is highly damaging to the recipient’s self esteem.
Common Feelings that ‘Should’ evokes
Shame
Guilt
Inadequacy
(Self) judgement
Regret
None of these emotions are helpful to us and are proven to have no positive impact on our future actions.
Where Does This List of Obligations Come From?
‘Should’ things are often what we see other people doing and imply that they are also things we expect of ourselves. But they are not always based in reality or even things we have actively, positively dissected and decided we want for ourselves.
They come from an external pressure, societal beliefs, a network of images and theories of mythical attainments.
Consider social media as an example; Images present you with a way that you should look or act. Why? Because someone else is doing it that way. This is ONE way, not THE way. And yet human nature lays on the guilt and shame until we realise we too SHOULD be the same. That OUR way is not good enough.
That sounds absurd, because it is.
3 Major Steps To Changing The Narrative
Believe in yourself.
Believe that you are doing your best at every stage, always making the decision that you think is right and putting as much effort in as you can every time.
Develop a strong belief system.
This will enable you to tangibly evaluate your actions so that you will always know you made the right decision possible and hence eliminate doubt. Like a safety net.
Use these words instead - “could’, “are”, “will”
These indicate possibility, freedom, definitive action and allow you to frame the scenario positively not negatively.
Remember, we are only able to affect future actions, so reflecting negatively on something that is either not attainable or that has already passed is ineffective.
Don’t judge or allow yourself to be judged against another’s framework, set your own and set your guilt free.
I wish you all the best,
Beata